The moment the words “It looks like you’re having a girl” came out of the ultrasound technician’s mouth, I felt about 20 things at once. Mainly fear.
You can see my exact facial expression in this poor quality photo:
I’ve always pictured myself having a girl. My whole life is pretty dang girly. I have pink velour couches. All the paintings in my apartment are of women. My cats are Alice and Rose.
Then why do I feel so scared about my future being female?
I guess because I am one. When I heard the word, “girl,” my mind instantly created a montage of…
The arduous moments in my life
Craig from Grade 6 stealing and reading the love note I wrote to my first crush Clayton out loud to everyone on the bus.
Throwing a screaming fit when my mom wouldn’t let me shave my legs.
Getting dropped by a talent agent because I wasn’t booking enough gigs.
Being dumped for the first time.
Spiraling down into an eating disorder.
Getting sexually harassed but being too scared to say anything.
Losing a job I loved.
Am I ready?
I’m afraid of watching my own daughter go through these scenarios. I question whether I’m emotionally ready to go through them with her.
But the more I think about it, the trying times are the ones that have shaped me into who I am. They have made me strong and given me perspective. Perspective a totally smooth ride wouldn’t have given me.
They make up the arsenal I will use to fight through these scenarios with her.
As my belly grows, the initial fear is turning into excitement. There have been more good times than bad and I love the life I’ve lived so far. From now on, I’m going to focus on…
A new montage
My first kiss.
Landing a role on a TV show.
Meeting my best friends.
Dinners with my family.
Falling in love.
Getting a dream job.
Overcoming an eating disorder.
Getting married in Las Vegas.
Seeing a positive pregnancy test.
Finding out it’s a girl.
